soul searching

I met my husband what seems like 700 million years ago. We were so in love back then.... I couldn't imagine a single second without him in it. We were a typical country music song/video. Driving around in the pick up truck on back roads, swilling beer, smoking cigarettes, having fun and being young. It was the life. We had bumps in the road, but it all came back to loving eachother and being best friends.
THEN, we had Abby. Sure, things were still good, but nothing was great anymore. Eric lost himself more and more every day in our bills and making a good life for our family. I know, sounds horrible... while it's great to have someone in the house paying attention to that stuff, can we please not forget that we're trying to shape a child here?!?!?! HEY next lets add another kid to the mix, AND getting married in between!
Some days I feel like a single mom. It's true. Eric has to work late, or is putting around outside in the yard working on some stupid project that he'll never finish. I am left with the crazy screaming children that are planted firmly up my ass while I cook dinner, clean, and prepare for the next day... yet they have a million toys they could be playing with. I do the shopping by myself, I visit friends by myself, I take the kiddos for walks by myself.
My kids go to bed early... it's great. But my free time is spent in silence.... you think he could ask about my day or listen to one of my dumb LL Bean stories because god knows I listen to all of his STUPID fucking garage stories, and if I didn't I'd be labeled as the wife that just doesn't care. I can't complain about anything, because then I just hear about how he pays all the bills and I'm ungrateful. No I'm not, but I'm not interested in having my parent's relationship. I never once saw my parents hug, never once heard them say I love you, and they barely ever did anything with us as a family. Hell they divorced by the time I was 8.

Some days I wonder... is it the kids that did this? (not that I blame them for anything!!) Or are we really losing what was once so strong? Does this happen alot?? Will it keep happening over the years? We had a "date night" a few weeks ago and I felt like I had nothing to say. In fact I almost felt like we were on a first date. Not the uncomfortable feeling, but the "eh I have nothing else to say I wanna go home and take a nap" feeling.

I love Eric.... I love him very much. But sometimes I wonder, is it really enough? Is it enough to keep this going for the rest of our lives? When my kids are grown and move on... what will keep me here? I already feel like there are too many days when I ask myself why...

Moms!

Well, I joined the myspace world oh... I don't know, a little under 3 years ago. I never thought much of it. And now, I think, if I hadn't I wouldn't be where I am.

Being a pregnant mom with a 1 1/2 year old, you can say I was a little bored. One night I found myself perusing the babycenter boards and found a link to a myspace group. At that time, I was told I was due in July. I joined the July group and jumped into the morning sickness, baby names, weight gaining conversations. I met a wonderful woman, who had I had way too much in common with... we became fast friends and had due dates close to one another. The group was a great outlet for me. I later found out that I would indeed be having a June baby after all.... so while still being a part of the July group, I sought out a June group. I definately found a great June group full of women from all walks of life. We all rejoiced as each one of us found out what we were having, then talk went to nursery decor to childcare to car seats... the list could go on. The point is, I've found happiness in this group of women. When people around home blow me off because I'm a boring old mom, these girls are there. When I need an opinion on a dress, a haircut, something new for the baby... they are there. At first I thought it was a little sad that some of these women are there for me more than my home friends, but now I realize just how lucky I really am to have them!
And that July mom I mentioned before.... she is now the person I consider to be my best friend. Matthew and I went to Ohio in March and stayed with her. From the moment we met in the airport, I knew she was the other half of me I'd been missing. I could not live without Krys-Anne. Well, physically I might be able to, but mentally, NO WAY. This girl is like the twin that was separated from me at birth. I have never ever met anyone that has treated me with so much respect and values every word that comes out of my mouth. She is the truest friend I've ever had, and I look forward to our children getting married to one another. LOL. I miss her every single day of the week.

Pretty amazing huh? I find these other moms to be better friends than any of these jerks I have around here......